will the real complementarian please stand up?

insert catchy opening credits here

[NOTE: This was posted originally in January 2023 after a long period of discernment and discouragement as a member of the Presbyterian Church in America, paid staff for over 15 years, pastor’s wife for a decade, and frequent advocate for women/ survivors of PCA abuse in multiple Presbyteries over those years. I have made some slight edits since leaving the denomination in February 2023 quite loudly with my husband who was then deposed of his credentials as a teaching elder AFTER announcing we were leaving the PCA. Here is just one part of our story.]

For me, the complementarian argument has left something to be desired and while many of its principles can be given more scrutiny, my main contention has always been more on the functional side. What does this understanding of gender inequality allow for? What does it excuse, in reality, ie. in what harmful ways are women treated by men? How does the ideology become a weapon for oppression and injustice to occur with wide endorsement and even merit?

The complementarian struggle is the line between responsibility and misogyny.

Complementarians believe, in simplest terms, that men and women are uniquely created and called to authority in differing measures. In this system, we see the complex series of attributes of each gender and their precisely crafted physicality, in addition to God’s order and ordination. Neither the physicality nor the cultural pressures should solely inform our take on such things as authority, and I have often thought a case is made for some women to be in positions of authority as they are gifted and called.

Where I think it all goes off the rails (at least most notably) is in the abuse advocacy issues we are seeing across denominations today.

Here’s the deal: husbands and shepherds must love women to the point of dying for us. That’s how it works. That’s the only way it works. They must accept the greater responsibility for our lives and for everything that threatens us, including other men. They must take more than a fair/equal share of blame. They must take the ultimate share. That is the nature of complementarian thought in a nutshell. Men are more responsible. Full Stop.

The flex then to an easy forgivism route – just forgive men who hurt their wives, forgive men who abuse children, forgive the pastors who misuse their authority, etc. - is incredibly damaging to the entire argument of comp theology.

To whom much is given, much is required.

The breaking of the vows to love, serve, protect, and have authority over women should be treated with all the severity it deserves as we uphold the very concept of men being the representation and leader of our churches, our families, our marriages. If we then cave into a convenient kind of egalitarianism when abuse is in question, dismissing the notion that men are inherently more responsible in all things and behaviors, we are undermining the very core of complementarianism which must demand more accountability for a husband than for a wife. Otherwise, it becomes hypocritical and ironic.

This is the nature of our comp system. It is what comp women are conceding to. We buy into the concept that our husbands and our ordained church leaders are given authority by God to answer for us. You must answer for us and therefore, you must answer for you when you hurt us. You must answer for you when you ignore us for selfish gain. You must answer for actions taken that do not serve us, do not respect us, do not enhance our lives in such a way that guides and helps us flourish.

I want to believe that ANY person, regardless of gender, who loves God and neighbor, who has tasted the heavenly gift and have shared in the Spirit can be the defender and protector of those around them. I want to believe that those who are wiser, more mature, more noble will absolutely want to. I believe we reverse engineer leadership and authority much more often than we seem to – meaning, who is doing the work of the shepherd and make them, and them only, shepherds.

But authority of a spiritual nature is not what some have made it to be. We know that ultimate authority is in Jesus’ hands alone. Elders ordained and placed “in charge” of a system is only some of the intent of authority. Authority is spiritual and persuasive, not demanding nor tyrannical. Authority over the people of God is not an iron fist but a soft hand that directs, points, and shields from harm. Just like a father who does not provoke his children, a spiritual authority will be marked by kindness, firmness when called for, and diligence for the flourishing of life.

So what kind of father stands by, watches his children be harmed, and also blames his children for it? I shudder to think.

Edited to add the following updates on 24 Oct 2024:
Why are Women Leaving Complementarian Churches?

Because the bottom line of Comp Theology seems to always be that we protect our Elders at ALL Costs, and will sacrifice the women and children they abuse as well as any men who dare to advocate for them and push back on the spiritual discernment of their Brothers and Fathers. I mean how dare we suggest that They Got It Wrong?

Because here’s the thing: let’s remove the gender part for a minute and discuss it this way. WHOEVER is in charge – has authority to make decisions, has the authority to hire and fire, has the power to make demands and speak at mics – no matter who it is whether male female or anything, they are absolutely to be held to HIGH standards, higher than just anyone else. This is a Kingdom Principle that cannot be bypassed.

Not only does the Comp System allow for caveats in WHO is in charge… Comp people also attempt to bypass the accountability for the possibility that people could be wrong about everything else.

The everything else part being:
– Dynamics of Power
– Best Practice in trauma care
– Abuse recovery
– Abuse investigations
– Understanding coercion and narcissist behaviors

All The Things Comps tend to dismiss/debunk. Ask me how I know.

If complementarian theology is in lockstep AGAINST best practices in abuse advocacy, scripturally sound and beautiful orthopraxy will be lost to hypocritical, misogynist orthodoxy that inherently treats women as inferior and therefore more responsible for sinfulness and corruption in the system. That’s not how any system works. That’s how narcissistic systems work and that’s how comp systems become abusive. A truly complementarian system would keep their men in check without hesitation and with due diligence. And as if they feared the vengeance of God.

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